Tag Archives: death

When Bad Things Happen, Are You Prepared?

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Summary

Life marches on, but what if the proverbial “getting hit by a bus” actually happens? Is your family prepared if the worst case scenario would occur to you, or your wife? Or even worse, if you BOTH get “hit by the bus”?

Objective

We read about tragedies every day, but we don’t think about those things happening to us. Life doesn’t always turn out like you plan. Lots of things we take for granted all of a sudden need special attention. If life suddenly takes an unforeseen turn, are the most important things in your life going to be taken care of like you want? Who will pay the bills? Will my family be able to survive in a way I would want? What happens to my assets? If I am disabled, who will make health care decisions for me? Who will take care of my children???

Bible Readings

1. 2 Kings 20:1

In those days was Hezekiah sick unto death. And the prophet Isaiah the son of Amoz came to him, and said unto him, Thus saith the Lord, Set thine house in order; for thou shalt die, and not live.

2. Isaiah 57:1-2

The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.

3. 1 Peter 5:2-3

Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, serving as overseers–not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock.

4. 1 Timothy 6:17-19

Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life.

Catechism Readings

1. Paragraph 1007

Death is the end of earthly life. Our lives are measured by time, in the course of which we change, grow old and, as with all living beings on earth, death seems like the normal end of life. That aspect of death lends urgency to our lives: remembering our mortality helps us realize that we have only a limited time in which to bring our lives to fulfillment:

2. Paragraph 1013

Death is the end of man’s earthly pilgrimage, of the time of grace and mercy which God offers him so as to work out his earthly life in keeping with the divine plan, and to decide his ultimate destiny. When “the single course of our earthly life” is completed, we shall not return to other earthly lives: “It is appointed for men to die once.” There is no “reincarnation” after death.

3. Paragraph 1014

The Church encourages us to prepare ourselves for the hour of our death. In the ancient litany of the saints, for instance, she has us pray: “From a sudden and unforeseen death, deliver us, O Lord”; to ask the Mother of God to intercede for us “at the hour of our death” in the Hail Mary; and to entrust ourselves to St. Joseph, the patron of a happy death.

Every action of yours, every thought, should be those of one who expects to die before the day is out. Death would have no great terrors for you if you had a quiet conscience. . . . Then why not keep clear of sin instead of running away from death? If you aren’t fit to face death today, it’s very unlikely you will be tomorrow. . .

Small Group Questions

1. Have you done any “end of life” planning? If so, what has been helpful to you?

2. Do you have a system for your key documents?

Recommended Resources

1. http://money.cnn.com/magazines/moneymag/money101/lesson21/index.htm

2. http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/12-simple-steps-estate-plan-29472.html

3. http://www.bankrate.com/finance/retirement/estate-planning-checklist-young-folks-1.aspx

4. http://getyourshittogether.org/

5. http://www.estateplanning.com/

Accountability

1. Talk with your wife about starting/updating your plans

2. Begin taking inventory of your key documents. Make a plan to have them available in case of emergency.

Author(s)

Steve Frazer

Included Resources

1. If tragedy strikes, are you financially prepared?
https://www.manilla.com/blog/if-tragedy-strikes-are-you-financially-prepared/

By Kimberly Rotter

The time for financial preparedness is now

If you were to lose your husband tomorrow, would you know how many credit cards he has in his wallet, and the telephone numbers to close the accounts? If your wife were to die next week, would you know where and how to log on and pay all of your bills? Could you do something as simple as access your loved one’s email or Facebook account to notify friends of the death?

None of us likes to think about the untimely death of someone we love, especially before we’re “old enough” to start thinking about dying. But it’s important to think about the necessary financial actions to take in the tragic event that something happens to your spouse or partner.

It could happen to any of us

Recent articles in the New York Times and Wall Street Journal illustrate the myriad of harsh realities a surviving spouse can encounter in the absence of careful planning.

One woman lost her husband to a heart attack at age 57. She found herself locked out of various online banking and bill paying accounts.

One man, whose wife paid all the bills prior to losing her battle to cancer, found out the hard way that removing his wife’s name from their bank account effectively closed the account and wiped out any bill-pay settings she had put into place.

Another woman, who lost her husband in a tragic bicycle accident, was faced with a sudden loss of income, lack of knowledge of the details and numbers of accounts her husband managed himself and no properly executed will.

Countless other survivors can testify to the difficulties and costs involved in transferring ownership of real estate, stocks, bonds and other assets – difficulties and costs that could have been avoided by taking simple steps before tragedy struck. And keep in mind that survivors face these challenges and costs while in the grip of overwhelming grief over the loss of their partners. This all comes at the worst possible time for life to burden you with such a heavy load.

What you can do now:

We all hope tragedy never strikes too near. But we will all die, and few of us have the luxury of knowing when we’ll go.

If you’re like most people, you don’t have a will. Approximately 57 percent of American adults don’t have one, according to a 2011 survey from market research group Harris Interactive. And if you’re in the dark about what bills get paid and when, you’re not alone. You don’t have to suddenly become the household bookkeeper if that’s not a role that you already fill. But you and your partner are well advised to set aside some time, in small chunks if necessary, to gather certain paperwork and information.

Add your spouse’s name to assets, including real estate, stocks, bonds and bank accounts

Across the board, financial advisers and surviving spouses advise that you put both names on all assets. The more you keep things separate in life, the more it will cost you after death – in probate costs or inheritance taxes, for example, as well as in time and effort.

Real estate that one person owns can easily be put into both names by filing a quitclaim deed (specifying joint tenancy with right of survivorship). This quick task is usually handled at the county real estate records office. You do not have to add your spouse’s name to the mortgage in order to add it to the deed.

List all online accounts and their passwords

Passwords are tricky. Security experts advise against using the same password on all sites, but multiple passwords of your own are hard enough to keep track of without adding another person’s passwords to the mix. Experts also advise against writing passwords down. But you need to devise a system for sharing this information, and you should update it at least twice a year. Find a safe place to store your list. Make a handwritten list and keep the paper in a safe. Or use an online file storage site that encrypts data. Try DropBox with Boxcryptor or SecureSafe (both options are free).

Take care of paperwork

If you have any assets, you need to have a will. You should also write a living will, expressing your desires with regard to life-sustaining measures in the event you are unable to communicate with doctors.

A Power of Attorney is a simple but critical document that designates your representative under a variety of conditions. It can be as broad or limited as you desire. Use one to give one person access to your bank accounts, and another to designate a guardian for your children (this can also be stipulated in your will).

Consider life insurance

Most of us dutifully make mortgage and car loan payments each month. Many of us continue to pay off student loan debt for ourselves or our children. Still others carry revolving credit card debt. Think about how much money it would take to pay everything off at once, and price out life insurance for at least that amount plus six months’ living expenses and extra money to cover costs related to the death (plot, casket, preparation for viewing, cremation, professional service fee, reception, etc.). In some cases, more coverage comes with lower premiums, due to policy popularity among purchasers.

Consider disability insurance

Long-term and short-term disability insurance can replace lost income when a family member survives an event or illness but cannot work (or cannot work as much).

Where to start

Plenty of information is out there to help you. In fact, one widow dedicated her hard-won experiences to creating a website that helps others avoid the financial nightmare she lived. Chanel Reynolds, the woman who lost her husband far too soon in a bicycle accident, created GetYourShitTogether.org, a website designed to help you get things in order. You’ll find sample documents, a checklist, and helpful links there.

You should consult an estate lawyer to help you craft and finalize your will, and a tax professional if you have significant assets. As Ms. Reynolds points out, if you can afford to take a family vacation this year, you can afford to get professional help on these simple but very important matters.

Now it’s up to you to get it together.

2. Guardianship for Your Children
http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/guardianship-children-30227.html

Choose a personal guardian — someone to raise your children in the unlikely event you can’t.

If your children are young, you’ve probably thought about who would raise them if for some reason you or another parent couldn’t. It’s not an easy thing to consider, but with a simple arrangement of a guardian in your will, you can feel sure that, in the extremely unlikely event you can’t raise your kids, they will be well cared for.

Naming a Personal Guardian

You should name one personal guardian (and one alternate, in case your first choice can’t serve) for each of your children.

Legally, you may name more than one guardian, but it’s generally not a good idea because of the possibility that the coguardians will later disagree. On the other hand, if you prefer that two people care for your child — for example, a stable couple who would act as coparents — name both of them, so that they each have the legal power to make important decisions on behalf of your child.

Here are some factors to consider when choosing a personal guardian:

Is the prospective guardian old enough? (You must choose an adult — 18 years old in most states.)

Does the prospective guardian have a genuine concern for your children’s welfare?

Is the prospective guardian physically able to handle the job?

Does he or she have the time?

Does he or she have kids of an age close to that of your children?

Can you provide enough assets to raise the children? If not, can your prospective guardian afford to bring them up?

Does the prospective guardian share your moral beliefs?

Would your children have to move?

If you’re having a hard time choosing someone, take some time to talk with the person you’re considering. One or more of your candidates may not be willing or able to accept the responsibility, or their feelings about acting as guardian may help you decide.

Choosing Different Guardians for Different Children

Most people want their children to stay together; if you do, name the same personal guardian for all of your kids.

You can, however, name different personal guardians for different children. Some parents may do this if their children are not close in age or if they have strong attachments to different adults outside of the immediate family. For instance, one child may spend a lot of time with a grandparent while another child may be close to an aunt and uncle. Or, if you have children from different marriages, they may be close to different adults. In every situation, you want to choose the personal guardian you believe would be best able to care for each child.

Choosing a Different Person to Watch the Checkbook

Some parents name one person to be the children’s personal guardian and a different person to look after financial matters. Often this is because the person who would be the best surrogate parent would not be the best person to handle the money.

For example, you might feel that your brother-in-law would provide the most stable, loving home for your kids, but not have much faith in his abilities as a financial manager. Perhaps you have a close friend who cares about your kids and would be better at dealing with the economic aspects of bringing them up. Provided that your brother-in-law and your friend agree and you trust them to get along in the best interest of your children, you can name one as personal guardian and the other as custodian or trustee to manage your children’s inheritance. (See Nolo’s article Leaving an Inheritance for Children.)

If You and the Other Parent Can’t Agree

When you and your child’s other parent make your wills, you should name the same person as personal guardian. If you don’t agree on whom to name, there could be a court fight if both of you die while the child is still a minor. Faced with conflicting wishes, a judge would have to make a choice based on the evidence of what’s in the best interests of your child.

Writing a Letter of Explanation

Leaving a written explanation may be important if you think that a judge could have reason to question your choice for personal guardian.

Judges are required to act in the child’s best interests, so in your letter explain why your choice is best for your child. Here are some issues the judge will consider:

the child’s preference, to the extent it can be ascertained

who will provide the greatest stability and continuity of care

who will best meet the child’s needs

the relationships between the child and the adults being considered for guardian, and

the moral fitness and conduct of the proposed guardians.

If you are in the following situation, writing an explanatory letter may be a good idea:

If You Don’t Want the Other Parent to Raise Your Child

You may not trust your child’s other parent to care for your child if something happens to you. However, a judge will grant custody to a child’s surviving parent unless that parent has legally abandoned the child or is clearly unfit. In most cases, it is difficult to prove that a parent is unfit, unless he or she has serious problems such as chronic drug or alcohol abuse, mental illness, or a history of child abuse.

If you honestly believe the other parent is incapable of caring for your children properly, or simply won’t assume the responsibility, you should write a letter explaining why.

Dealing with Loss

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Summary

It is inevitable. At some point in most everyone’s life, the pain of the loss of a loved one must be confronted. What do you when you face the numbing loss of a family member or friend? How do you live through it? What must you do to support those who share your grief and move forward with your life?

Objective

Help us to recognize that recovering from the death of loved one takes time and patience. It’s important to remember that healing is a journey, not a destination. Our human nature causes us to grieve, but we as Catholics are comforted in the faith that our loved ones have merely completed their earthly lives and are at peace with their creator.

Bible Readings

1. John 11: 25-26

Jesus told her, “I am the resurrection and the life; whoever believes in me, even if he dies, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?”

2. John 14: 1 – 4

Do not let your hearts be troubled. You have faith in God; have faith also in me. In my Father’s house there are many dwelling places. If there were not, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back again and take you to myself, so that where I am you also may be. Where (I) am going you know the way.

Catechism Readings

1. Paragraph 1889

In this new universe, the heavenly Jerusalem, God will have his dwelling among men. “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain any more, for the former things have passed away.”

2. Paragraph 1932

The duty of making oneself a neighbor to others and actively serving them becomes even more urgent when it involves the disadvantaged, in whatever area this may be. “As you did it to one of the least of these my brethren, you did it to me.”

Small Group Questions

  1. Do you avoid people who are going through tough times because you don’t know how to act or know what to say?
  2. What am I doing to prepare for the passing of a loved one?
  3. What am I doing to prepare for my own passing?

Recommended Resources

  1. “Why Bad Things Happen to Good People” – Harold S. Kushner
  2. http://www.thedailymind.com/how-to/how-to-support-a-loved-one-through-tough-times
  3. http://www.freewebs.com/kindnesshandbook/ – The Kindness Handbook

Accountability

  1. Think through the reality of losing a friend or loved one and give thought to actions you should take.
  2. Give some thought to losses you have endured and actions that you wish you would have taken.

Author(s)

Reid Rooney / Tony Heekin

Included Resources

1. “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

Every now and then life throws you a curve ball. Your best friend gets cancer, your wife loses her job or your daughter breaks up with her first high school love. In these trying times it is important to support your loved one’s and be a rock for them to lean on. But this can be harder than it sounds, especially when you are emotionally affected by the event as well.

In this post I want to show you a few ways to support a loved one through a tough time based on my own experiences. Hopefully it will give you a bit of inspiration for when tough times strike your loved ones.

Dealing with feelings of helplessness

One of the most difficult things about supporting a loved one through a tough time is how utterly helpless you feel. You might be the person’s mother, father, sister or brother – it doesn’t matter – when a loved one is suffering you feel helpless.

Imagine if your spouse was diagnosed with a serious illness tomorrow. This is the person who you have loved and supported for years and years. Someone with whom you have cried, laughed, fought and made love. Someone who has been there for you whenever you were down. And now they are sick. And there is nothing that you can do to change that.

It is a shit feeling.

But it is just a feeling. It is in your head. And it is natural. So let this be a warning to you. When tough times strike someone you love be ready for those feelings of helplessness because they will always arise. But don’t let them get you down. If you let them get you down you won’t be any help to anyone.

How to support a loved one through tough times

Now I would like to get into the bulk of this post and share with you some things I have learned over the years about how to support a loved one through tough times. I am by no means an expert on these matters but it seems like I have spent a considerable part of my life trying to support friends and family who were experiencing some hardship. I’ll try to pass on what I have learned.

Don’t judge

When someone is suffering because of a mistake they have made the last thing they want to hear is your judgments. It really doesn’t help the situation at all and, in fact, can make your loved one less likely to come to you for support.

Let’s look at an example. Let’s say your daughter is in high school and she has just fallen in love with the football quarterback. You think he is a bit of a “player” and you know your daughter is going to end up heart broken. After a few months he cheats on her and she comes home in tears, her heart is broken and life cannot go on. If you decide to say “I told you so” she will never come to you again because she is afraid of being judged. The pain she is going through is lesson, she doesn’t need another one from you.

When people are going through suffering because of mistakes they made it is a bad idea to judge them. Just be there for them and don’t inject your values or opinions in the situation unless they ask for them. 99% of the time they won’t want to hear them.

Don’t make it about you

When I was a young man I was fanatically in to soccer. I played for one of the top teams and took it extremely seriously. I would get up and train at 5am every morning before class and then had training at the club after school four times a week. I lived and breathed soccer. And when the finals came around I became what I now consider to be a bit of a monster. I was crazy. I trained so hard and stressed out so much. So you can imagine how I felt when we lost the grand final because I missed a penalty kick…

I will never forget that day as long as I live. When I see my old soccer buddies they still ask me if I have been practicing my penalties! It burns. And I will never forget sitting in the car with my father after the match and hearing him jabber on for what seemed like an hour about how he had been a great sportsman as a teenager and that even he had made mistakes. I really didn’t want to hear about it.

When I look back I realize that, in his own spastic way, he was just trying to help. But at the time it seemed like he just wanted to talk about how much better he was than me. And it made me really angry. When someone is suffering it is really important not to talk about yourself too much. Even if you have been through something similar to what your loved one is going through it is a good idea just to keep quiet. Make sure you just support them. Don’t make it about you.

Take care of yourself too

If you are going through a long term tough time it is important that you take care of yourself as well. If you neglect to do this you will be a tired and emotional wreck and you will struggle to support those around you.

When someone in your family gets sick everybody goes a bit crazy. They mobilize the relatives, take time off work and run around like headless chickens. And this is understandable. A family illness is one of the toughest things anyone can go through. When something tragic is happening people don’t want to stop and sit down because then their mind will automatically turn to the bad stuff. Keeping busy means keeping distracted. But you have to take care of yourself.

If you are going through a tough time make sure you are sleeping properly. Make sure you are eating properly. Make sure you are taking care of yourself. If you get run down you will be less able to support your loved ones.

Get yourself some support

One important part of supporting a loved one is getting some support for yourself. Many people who are helping people through difficult situations neglect to address this issue. And it is a shame. You cannot do it all alone. You cannot take on everybody’s problems without having an outlet. It is just too difficult. If you try to do it alone you could end up breaking down yourself.

I tried to take on a lot of my family’s problems when I was younger. I tried to be the knight in shining armor that saved the day and I tried to be everybody’s rock. But there was a limit to how much I could handle. There was a limit to how much I could absorb without bursting. It is important to acknowledge these limits.

If you are spending a lot of time supporting a loved one I strongly recommend you go and get some counseling. Don’t be afraid to do this. Counselors are not for crazy people. Counselors are for people who need someone to talk to without having to worry about weighing them down with your problems. If your loved one is suffering you might feel like you can’t talk to them because you don’t want them to have more worry. If this is the case book in to see a counselor and have a chat, debrief and get some advice on how to proceed.

Find a source of inspiration

Something that religious people always say after a tough time is that their “faith” got them through. While many non-religious people may find the notion of relying on “faith” to be off-putting there is an extremely good logic to it. If religion is good for anything it is good for giving one strength. But non-religious people can find other non-theistic sources of inspiration to help them reach the other side.

Some people find inspiration in God. Others find inspiration in the Dalai Lama, Gandhi or Oprah. They rely on these people or the ideals that they represent to give them strength. The strength could come from praying to this figure or by just recalling their example and feeling revitalized. During tough times I always find inspiration in my Bodhisattva Vow. This is a vow I was given by my Buddhist teacher where I promised to spend my life working for the benefit of others. I promised to dedicate every thought, word and action to the benefit of other sentient beings and never to put my own selfish pursuits ahead of the needs of others. This gives me great strength during tough times and I feel has made me better equipped to deal with hardships.

Take some time to find something that inspires you. Inspiration is not just for religious or spiritual people. Basketball players, great leaders, doctors, nurses etc. – they all have sources of inspiration that they rely on when things get tough. Make sure you have one too.

Learn as much as you can

Knowledge is power. It is also a powerful way for you to support someone. The more you know about what they are going through the more supportive you will be able to be.

Imagine your wife or husband has depression but you don’t know much about it. You might take all the symptoms to be attacks on you and just think they are just being moody, grumpy or mean. In actual fact they are suffering from a disease and the mood swings and angry responses are symptoms of their illness and need to be dealt with carefully.

If you educate yourself on the problem, whatever it is, you will find yourself better able to deal with the person and more able to support them. This is one of the best pieces of advice I can give you.

Bring everything back to love

Love is an extremely potent thing when you are feeling terrible. In all situations, whatever your loved one is going through make sure they know they are loved.

When you are depressed, sick or sad the best thing in the world is knowing that someone loves you. It might be someone telling you that they love you or you might see it in the way they look at you or the way they treat you. However it is expressed it is very uplifting to know that you are loved.

Make sure you bring everything back to love when you are supporting a loved one. If you don’t quite know what to do just make sure you love them. Make sure they know you love them. Many times you will find that this, in itself, is enough.

Conclusion

Supporting a loved one through a tough time can be extremely difficult. It can be tiring, emotionally draining and sometimes depressing. But it is in these trying times that we learn who our closest friends and family members are. This is where the true bonding occurs and allows us to take our relationships to new heights.