Tag Archives: listening

Becoming a Better Listener

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Summary

Often when someone else is talking, we are either thinking of the next thing we want to say, or we are thinking of something else entirely. How can husbands be more present to our wives and our kids? Come learn techniques for really hearing others.

Objective

As the old saying goes, God gave us two ears and one mouth because we should listen twice as much as we talk. And yet, we tend to talk more than we listen. “Active listening” is not passive but helps us to focus on what the other person is saying. This makes the other person feel valued and helps strengthen our relationships with a spouse, child, co-worker, etc. Using methods of reflecting back the other’s feelings and statements, receiving and giving verbal and non-verbal cues, and waiting to respond are among the ways to improve your listening skills and creating stronger bonds with those who are important in your life.

Bible Readings

1. Proverbs 18:13

If one gives answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.

2. Matthew 13:43

He who has ears, let him hear.

Catechism Readings

1. Paragraph 2604

The second prayer, before the raising of Lazarus, is recorded by St. John.50 Thanksgiving precedes the event: “Father, I thank you for having heard me,” which implies that the Father always hears his petitions. Jesus immediately adds: “I know that you always hear me,” which implies that Jesus, on his part, constantly made such petitions. Jesus’ prayer, characterized by thanksgiving, reveals to us how to ask: before the gift is given, Jesus commits himself to the One who in giving gives himself. The Giver is more precious than the gift; he is the “treasure”; in him abides his Son’s heart; the gift is given “as well.”

2. Paragraph 2716

Contemplative prayer is hearing the Word of God. Far from being passive, such attentiveness is the obedience of faith, the unconditional acceptance of a servant, and the loving commitment of a child. It participates in the “Yes” of the Son become servant and the Fiat of God’s lowly handmaid.

Small Group Questions

1. Do you think you are a good listener? Would your wife and children agree?

2. Think of a specific situation from this week where you were in a conversation. How well did you listen?

3. Who do you know is an example of a great listener? What makes that person a great listener?

Recommended Resources

1. It’s Not About the Nail (video): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

2. Active Listening is Not a Spectator Sport (Archdiocese of Detroit): http://www.aod.org/being-catholic/marriage-and-family/marriage-support/enrichment-articles/active-listening-is-not-a-spectator-sport/

3. LISTEN techniques (video): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENkwUBPhMJw&list=PLB429DDA7B7DC2E70

4. Reflective Listening (Archdiocese of Indianapolis): http://www.archindy.org/family/documents/Reflective%20Listening.pdf

Accountability

1. In your next conversation this week with your wife or children, use one or more aspects of active or reflective listening.

2. This week ask your wife or children how you can be a better listener.

3. One of the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit is understanding. Pray to the Holy Spirit this week to help you listen better in your daily conversations so as to gain greater understanding about the other person.

Author(s)

Pete Caccavari

Included Resources

Three qualities essential to deep listening
The Sacred Art of Listening by Kay Lindahl, p. 16

Silence creates the space for listening to God. It provides time to explore our relationship to Source. The practice of being in this silence nurtures our capacity to listen to others.

Reflection gives us access to listening for our inner voice. The practice of taking a few breaths before responding to a situation, question, or comment gives time for your true wisdom to reveal itself. It’s a slowing down, waiting, practicing patience.

Presence is the awareness of listening to another, of connecting at the heart level. The practice of taking a mundane, ordinary activity and giving it your full attention, for example, washing your hands or brushing your teeth, trains your concentration and your ability to be in the present moment with another.

Listening and being assertive
Speak Up! Christian Assertiveness by Randolph K. Sanders and H. Newton Malony, p. 109

Again, knowing when to shut up is helpful because it means we believe other people’s ideas are just as important as our own. Notice we did not say that others’ ideas are necessarily more correct than ours. We said that others’ opinions are as important as our own. Listening to what they have to say does not mean we have to agree with them, only that we have to respect them. This is an important part of being assertive.

Talking and Listening to God

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Summary

Any relationship – needs interaction. Do you have a shallow relationship with God? When do you talk to Him? When you’re in a bind or need something? Talking to God is important, and we should engage Him when times are tough. However, for a closer relationship with God, we have to talk with him on a regular basis, and then listening to God is imperative. Do we only know how to talk to God and ask or tell Him what to do or are we trying equally as hard to listen to what God wants from us?

Objective

The really sad thing about not talking and listening to God, is that you miss a golden opportunity to draw closer to God, to get to know him better, and to let him know that you realize that you want and need his help. When you fail to talk and listen to God, you greatly limit God’s ability to accomplish the things that he wants to do in your life. When you don’t communicate with God you miss the Godly advice given at James 4:8, “Draw close to God, and he will draw close to you”. Instead, when you don’t talk or listen to God you pretty much tell him that you don’t need him, that you can do things on your own, that his advice and his concern are not needed, that you are very capable of going through your life under your own power and doing it your own way.

Taken from reading resources below:

And talking to God should be the same as if you were talking to your best friend. You should tell him your thoughts, desires, hurts, and problems, as well as giving him your thanks and praise. Talking to God not only tells God that you have knowledge of him but that you also have faith in him. Talking to God also tells him that you have a desire for his presence in your life and that you need him and are dependent on him.

The bottom line is, we have to make an effort to put ourselves into situations where God can talk to us. The more we truly listen, the more likely we are to act in a manner that is pleasing to God and more joyful for ourselves. How do we talk to God now, and how do we improve our talking and listening skills with God?

Bible Readings

1. 1 Samuel 3:9

‘Speak, LORD, for your servant is listening.’

2. Genesis 18:16-32

With Abraham walking with them to see them on their way, the men set out from there and looked down toward Sodom. The LORD considered: Shall I hide from Abraham what I am about to do, now that he is to become a great and mighty nation, and all the nations of the earth are to find blessing in him? Indeed, I have singled him out that he may direct his children and his household in the future to keep the way of the LORD by doing what is right and just, so that the LORD may put into effect for Abraham the promises he made about him. So the LORD said: The outcry against Sodom and Gomorrah is so great, and their sin so grave, that I must go down to see whether or not their actions are as bad as the cry against them that comes to me. I mean to find out.

As the men turned and walked on toward Sodom, Abraham remained standing before the LORD. Then Abraham drew near and said: “Will you really sweep away the righteous with the wicked? Suppose there were fifty righteous people in the city; would you really sweep away and not spare the place for the sake of the fifty righteous people within it? Far be it from you to do such a thing, to kill the righteous with the wicked, so that the righteous and the wicked are treated alike! Far be it from you! Should not the judge of all the world do what is just?” The LORD replied: If I find fifty righteous people in the city of Sodom, I will spare the whole place for their sake. Abraham spoke up again: “See how I am presuming to speak to my Lord, though I am only dust and ashes! What if there are five less than fifty righteous people? Will you destroy the whole city because of those five?” I will not destroy it, he answered, if I find forty-five there. But Abraham persisted, saying, “What if only forty are found there?” He replied: I will refrain from doing it for the sake of the forty. Then he said, “Do not let my Lord be angry if I go on. What if only thirty are found there?” He replied: I will refrain from doing it if I can find thirty there. Abraham went on, “Since I have thus presumed to speak to my Lord, what if there are no more than twenty?” I will not destroy it, he answered, for the sake of the twenty. But he persisted: “Please, do not let my Lord be angry if I speak up this last time. What if ten are found there?” For the sake of the ten, he replied, I will not destroy it.

3. Proverbs 12:15

The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.

4. James 1:19-20

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

Catechism Readings

1. Paragraph 1088

“To accomplish so great a work” – the dispensation or communication of his work of salvation – “Christ is always present in his Church, especially in her liturgical celebrations. He is present in the Sacrifice of the Mass not only in the person of his minister, ‘the same now offering, through the ministry of priests, who formerly offered himself on the cross,’ but especially in the Eucharistic species. By his power he is present in the sacraments so that when anybody baptizes, it is really Christ himself who baptizes. He is present in his word since it is he himself who speaks when the holy Scriptures are read in the Church. Lastly, he is present when the Church prays and sings, for he has promised ‘where two or three are gathered together in my name there am I in the midst of them.”‘

2. Paragraph 2839

With bold confidence, we began praying to our Father. In begging him that his name be hallowed, we were in fact asking him that we ourselves might be always made more holy. But though we are clothed with the baptismal garment, we do not cease to sin, to turn away from God. Now, in this new petition, we return to him like the prodigal son and, like the tax collector, recognize that we are sinners before him. Our petition begins with a “confession” of our wretchedness and his mercy. Our hope is firm because, in his Son, “we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.” We find the efficacious and undoubted sign of his forgiveness in the sacraments of his Church.

Small Group Questions

1. Have you experienced God talking to you in deep prayer or even just quiet time? Share how that happens, how you get there, how it changes you.

2. Do you talk to God on an everyday basis? Is it formal or informal?

3. Do you talk to God like a friend, are you praying but not listening, are you talking to him like you would talk to your Dad?

4. Think about a situation you have been in lately and note if you have stopped to listen for God or if you are simply choosing what you think is best to do?

5. After the discussion above share your thoughts on the possibility you may not like what God wants you to do.

Author

Updated from 2012-13 by R.DelCore (8/2/13)